Dealing with Those Minor Irritations in a Partnership

It's so small.
It's so basic.
And, yet, it drives YOU bananas.

"Put the dishes in like this, not like this. You get maximum capacity this way!"

"She puts on the dishwasher every night. It drives me crazy!"

"He only puts the dishwasher on when it is overfull, bowls over top of cups and all, things don't get cleaned that way!"

For you, it may not be the dishwasher, but in every relationship, there are those silly, small things that cause so much distress and tension within your home.

It could be the way that he walks heavily in the morning, the way she leaves her purse perfectly in the middle of the hallway, how he burps every night after dinner, or how she leaves her makeup all over the vanity in the bathroom. It is usually predictable, common, and casual. And, most moments, you could do without it!

Let's point out one important truth here. The truth is you do it too.

There are things that YOU do your partner cannot stand. Whether or not he or she tells you is a different story, but I can guarantee either one of you is not the perfect one in the relationship. Remembering this and approaching your partner from this knowing there are things you do, too, he/she cannot stand will maintain a thriving bond.

The problem with being in a long-term relationship is as time goes on, you know this person so well the things s/he does start to become predictable, and in your weak moments, the predictability can set you off in a big way.

We shift our focus away from what we love about her/him. At the beginning of the relationship, you both were on your best behavior, and you naturally saw only the good things. Over time, you get more comfortable, and you stop doing what you were doing at the beginning of the relationship. You let your hair down, as they say, and you both start to get saturated with the typical behavior and start resenting or taking each other for granted.

So, first, recognize it is an accumulation of things. It is not just that one moment that drives you crazy; it is the fact that "s/he always does this" that drives you crazy. If you are exhausted, stressed, overworked, feeling the pressure, unhappy, then these small irritations are going to seem like they are incredibly loud and right in front of your face. When we are here, we have entered a danger zone for our relationship because it is common to lash out and say things you don't mean.

In these moments, this is where your commitment level matters. When you commit to being the best partner for your partner, things begin to shift. Are you willing to unconditionally love your partner despite these irritations? Are you willing to find the humor in the situation rather than the pain?

Commitment means we are letting go of judgment, ridicule, and harsh words. These tendencies are damaging in a relationship. Sometimes we judge our partner, wishing they were different or we begin daydreaming a brand new partner and how blissful that life would be. Sometimes we, ladies especially, chat with our friends, discussing our partners' shortcomings, and disrespect the intimacy in our relationship. We continue to focus on the negative. This focus is never healthy or helpful.

Let's be clear on something, commitment doesn't mean staying in an abusive relationship. If your partner disrespects you or harms you in any way, this is not the advice I would give you. We are talking about small irritations like your partner, leaving socks on the arm of the couch, or the cupboard doors never being closed. The things that do not cause physical or emotional harm and at the end of the day are not that big of a deal.

So, we've all got 'em, and what do we do about it in the heat of the moment?

The first step is to broaden our lens. Change our focus.

We can't look at something we don't like directly on and like it. It is impossible. So, we mustn't look directly at the behavior that we hate because we won't magically change our perspective this way. We love our partners, but we may not like what they are doing. We can't forget the part that we LOVE them. We love, and the things they do can be a little annoying sometimes. It is subtle, but it matters because when we come from a place of adoration for our partner, we handle the irritations respectfully. When we only focus on the behavior and attach our partner to it, we attack our partners rather than the behavior, and everyone feels terrible.

So, step back and broaden your lens. See the person behind the behavior and then proceed with lightheartedness. Be playful, be funny, be kind! Pretend your house has a ghost and name that ghost together then blame that ghost for loading the dishwasher wrong or leaving dirty clothes as a playful reminder this situation doesn't work for you.
For example, have Chelsea, the house ghost and say, "Hunny, Chelsea left the dirty dishes by the sink again, what are we going to do about her?" It is playful, light, and a reminder to your partner to put their dishes away.

When we don't see the person behind the behavior, we get mean. We say things we don't mean, we judge, criticize, and ultimately demean our partner. The vibration of our relationship quickly shifts from high to shallow fast. Words linger, actions scare, and our relationship deserves better.

So when they irritate you. Defocus the lens and see your partner; the partner who you adore, who you are building a future with, and the one you choose, and who chose you.

I hope Chelsea doesn't cause too much trouble this week! Have fun, love well.